The Onion: 'Revelations From Hillary Clinton's New Memoir- What Happened'

Source:The Onion- Hillary R. Clinton: What happened?

"What Happened, a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations: 

From The Onion 

"Highlights From The First Presidential Debate"  

From The Onion

What happened? Hillary Clinton might be the only person asking that question as far as how she's the first American presidential candidate to ever lose to a reality TV star who for the last 35 years in Donald Trump's case is mostly famous simply for being a New York celebrity. A career public servant in Hillary Clinton who has serious foreign policy, national security, and domestic policy experience and knowledge, versus a professional reality TV star who was a reality TV star before that term was ever invented.

Hillary Clinton losing to Donald Trump in a presidential election, would be like George H.W. Bush or Lyndon Johnson, losing a presidential election to Paris Hilton or any Kardashian you want to name: it's one of those: "I don't believe what I just saw moments and I just saw that." (To paraphrase the great sportscaster Jack Buck) Or the New England Patriots losing the Super Bowl to an expansion team.

I mean, would it have killed Hillary Clinton to eat a cheeseburger in Pittsburgh at any point between September and November last year. Stop for some chill in Cincinnati, have a steak in Columbus. Stop in Milwaukee or Madison, Green Bay and have some bratwurst and beer, even take in a football game. Sure! She probably would have gained a few pounds and been accused by New York and San Francisco yuppies as being a common person and perhaps not have as much wine and cheese and caviar, or whatever fancy yuppie meals she's accustomed to having in New York, but it would have been for a good cause. Which is trying to get votes that you need when you're running for President of the United States.

There simply not enough yuppies, people who hang out in coffee houses and work in new-tech, or as college professors for a Democrat to be elected President of the United States. And trying to rely on people who generally don't vote unless they see a candidate who uses the same smartphone as they do, watches the same reality show, shares the same coffee drink as their favorite coffee drink, listens to the same music, (referring to college students and other young adults) there not enough voters there to make up for average Americans who take voting seriously and want to feel a real connection with the people they're considering voting for. Talking about blue-collar and other middle class Democrats who voted for Donald Trump. As hard as it is to believe.

There's nothing average and working class about Donald Trump. Except for qualifications to be President of the United States. To say Donald Trump is an average Joe, or a blue-collar billionaire (as he calls himself) is like saying that Tori Spelling and Paris Hilton are famous because of their great talents as entertainers. And not because of who their father's are. I mean, how many truck drivers do you know who own a golf club in Florida, as well as a vacation home and live in a penthouse in New York?

To try to sound serious for a minute (and that might be only a minute) the reasons why Hillary Clinton lost in 2016 are the same reasons she lost the Democratic presidential primary in 2008. It really gets down to one person which is the person that she sees in the mirror when she's the only one there. To put it bluntly: she comes off as an actress and not a real person. Someone playing a part instead of a real person. People in Pennsylvania had more trust and faith in a guy selling Brooklyn bridges and South Dakota beach homes (in Donald Trump) than a woman who might very well be the most qualified presidential candidate we've ever seen.

And that has nothing to do with Russia, or the fact that Hillary is obviously a woman, especially when you consider that less than half of Caucasian women voted for her for president. American voters like to know who they're voting for generally and decided as much as I disagree with this, but that Donald Trump even with his never-ending list of faults that probably deserve multiple great books and documentaries to cover all of them (CNN has produced most of them) that he was a better suited to be President than she was. Even though they overwhelmingly believed that Hillary was more qualified to be President than Donald.

The last and most important reason why Hillary Clinton was appointed Secretary of State in 2009 instead of being sworn in as President of the United States or spending 2017 writing a book on why she lost the 2016 presidential election, instead of being too busy to write a book like that because she has an administration to run as President, has to do with entitlement. Being a Democrat and the first female major presidential candidate, is not enough reason for Americans in at least the states of Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, and Wisconsin for them to vote for her to be President.

American voters are kind of stubborn and even prickly and actually expect their presidential candidates to offer them little annoying things like vision and reasons for voting for them. Other than the candidates saying: "Hey, you might not like me, but you should hate my opponent more, because of these reasons." Not being Donald Trump in 2016 was not enough reason for Americans to elect Hillary Clinton as President. That is why she's not President Hillary Clinton right now. She didn't introduce the real Hillary Clinton to enough voters and give enough for them reasons to vote for her and not just against Donald Trump.  

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The Onion: House Speaker Paul Ryan- 'Discovers Half-Finished Escape Tunnel Leading Out of Speaker's Office'

Source:The Onion- Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (Republican, Wisconsin) trying to escape the Tea Party, perhaps leave early?

"WASHINGTON—Moving a 19th-century armchair away from the mahogany-paneled wall as he rearranged his new office Wednesday, recently elected House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly stumbled upon a half-finished escape tunnel leading out of the Speaker’s chambers. “Oh, man, look at this thing—it must go back 100 feet!” said Ryan, who found the makeshift passageway strewn with numerous worn-down Montblanc fountain pens that had apparently been used to chip away at the plaster wall, the marble and brick of the Capitol building’s foundation, and the packed earth beyond. “Looks like he was digging away from Capitol Hill and toward the Amtrak station. God, he must have spent years on this.” At press time, a startled Ryan was said to be shrieking loudly after opening his office’s Lincoln-era cherry armoire and finding himself eye-to-eye with a homemade, business-suit-clad dummy that his predecessor had intended to prop up behind his desk to provide sufficient cover when making a getaway."

From The Onion 

"Republican Congressmember Paul Ryan is set to become House speaker after winning his party’s backing. Ryan replaces John Boehner, who announced his resignation last month after a lengthy dispute with far-right members of his own party. The tea party "Freedom Caucus" had threatened to hold a no-confidence vote amid disagreements with Boehner over negotiating with Democrats and how to use the Republicans’ House majority. Boehner was pressured to take a more confrontational approach with the White House and congressional Democrats over issues including government spending, immigration reform, Obamacare and abortion. Ryan is known for crafting sweeping budget proposals that target public spending, cut taxes for the wealthy and impose deep budget cuts. We speak to journalists David Cay Johnston and John Nichols.

Democracynow.org - Democracy Now!, is an independent global news hour that airs weekdays on 1,300+ TV and radio stations Monday through Friday. Watch our livestream 8-9am ET:Democracy Now." 

Source:Democracy Now- Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (Republican, Wisconsin) "What have I gotten myself into?" LOL

From Democracy Now

After spending a few months trying to lead the Tea Party and rest of the House Republican Conference, (which might be harder than trying to lead a pack of wild horses for the very first time) new Speaker of the House Paul Ryan might be looking for an escape tunnel in the Speaker’s office: 

“What have I gotten myself into? I can’t lead these people, no one can. It’s like trying to tell Anarchists what to do.” Speaker Ryan’s first quote walking into his first House Republican Conference meeting as Speaker. Well, according to The Onion anyway. But The Onion is more reliable than Fox News and MSNBC combined. (Which  might not be saying anything)

Speaker Ryan, is going to have to lead a pack of wild wolves and get them to do things that they see as sinful: like funding government agencies, because you have to know that the House Tea Party Caucus, doesn’t believe in governing. Even though they supposedly serve in government. Just one of their ironies. He’s going to have to lead a Republican Conference that has no problems shutting down the government, even if it means getting exactly what they don’t want at the end of the day.

Paul Ryan, is no longer chairing the House Budget Committee or the Ways and Means Committee, where he can get away with passing legislation that will pass with only Republican votes in committee and then pass on the House floor on a party-line as well. And watch it die in the Senate like fish out of water. As Speaker, Ryan is responsible for passing legislation that can become law, pass the Senate and then be signed by the President as well and of course passed in the House. And that means working with who the Tea Party sees as a Socialist Muslim Devil. Who secretly funds ISIS to kill Americans. Thats right, President Barack Obama. According to The Onion, I mean Tea Party.

And to do these things Speaker Ryan is going to have to do a couple of things that are seen as four-letter cuss words with the Tea Party: govern and compromise with Democrats. (Even though govern has six letters and compromise has ten letters, a little Tea Party math for you) And these things won’t be easy for him to do. The Tea Party sees themselves as Middle Eastern dictators, even though most of them are of Anglo-Saxon Protestant background and are House backbenchers. Not even freshman senators and live by the childish code: “If I can’t have that house, burn it down.”

It’s not so much Paul Ryan I’m making fun, but the people he’s now responsible for leading. Ryan, I believe is a good, intelligent, man who sees himself as a legislature who may end up dying in Congress even if his whole career is in the House, because he loves it so much and wants to do the right things. But like with football, a coach is only as good as his staff and his players. Then it's up to him to get the most out of what he has to work with. And like with Congress, a leader is only as good as his staff, his leadership team, his committee chairman, and his troops.

Trying to get the Tea Party to compromise on anything is like trying to tell kids they can’t have cake for dinner and have to do their homework before they play video games. Speaker Ryan is going to hand his hands full and I wish him the best. Because for government to work, he’s going to have to be able to work with Democrats and then sell that to his troops. He’s going to have to tell his troops to vote to fund government agencies that the Tea Party believes doesn’t exist, at least in the U.S. Constitution. Which is like trying to sell broccoli for desert and doing your homework for fun to ten-year olds. 

Let's wish the new Speaker the best, he’s going to need it as well as the luck of the Wisconsin Irish and perhaps some Jack Daniels whisky as well.  

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The Onion: 'Socialism Vs. Capitalism'

Source:The Onion- Socialists vs. Capitalists?

"As the Democratic presidential race heats up, many people are questioning Bernie Sanders self-proclaimed socialist leanings, a designation that some are concerned is at odds with American's capitalist tradition. Here's a side-by-side comparison of the two political systems."

Source:The Onion

"Louise Mensch (former Tory MP) on Have I Got News for You, making an argument that nobody in the entire world has ever heard before."

Source:Marxist Socialist- From a satire about young protestors who claim to be against capitalism.

From Marxist Socialist

The so-called Marxist Socialist on YouTube, with the perfect video about so-called young Socialists, who claim to hate capitalism, even though they're the biggest supporters of capitalism and even liberal democracy, because of how they subsidize it everyday. 

Just to be serious for a minute or so and risk losing viewers who are expecting nothing but laughs from me and for me to be an asshole: 

Socialism vs capitalism, is not a real debate. Socialism, is a broad, collectivist, political philosophy. Capitalism, is an individualist economic system that every developed country in the world has a version of including social democracies. Britain, France, Denmark, Sweden, go down the line. 

The amount of major countries in the world that don’t have a capitalist system, you can now count on one hand and perhaps not need a second finger. Just chop off the other four, or save yourself from some extreme pain and point out North Korea and perhaps Syria. While you hold your other fingers down. This should really be capitalism vs Marxism, or capitalism, vs Communism.

So let’s try it this way and compare democratic socialism and use perhaps Bernie Sanders as the elected leader and not Marxist dictator. Versus what I at least call Randism, that I personally named after Ayn Rand and name Ayn their leader. You should’ve seen the ceremony, because it was beautiful. No one forced Ayn to show up, because she’s an objectivist and showed up voluntarily.

You have Democratic Socialists who say that the state or society as a whole is the most important thing. And because of that you can’t let people to be free and as individualist as they want. Because some people are just better and more productive than others, which will make the poor and ignorant look even worst and hurt their self-esteem. 

Socialists say what we should do is have a big central state and not even have states and localities with much power over their own affairs either. Because if they’re free to do better than and others will be free to struggle. And one part of country will be doing very well, because they know how to educate, how to build, how to regulate, how to tax and everything else. While other parts of the country will have central planners who don’t do much else than planning screw ups. And their people will suffer as a result. So you need a big central state to run things from government central to take care of the nation.

And then you have Randian’s or Libertarians, or Objectivists who say: “What’s mine is all mine! And anything that government take is a form of theft! And any type of regulation is a form of imprisonment.” 

So in a Randian system, government doesn’t tax or regulate. Just arrests criminals and imprisons them. (I guess after a fair trial) And protects the country when it’s under attack. How they even pay for that? Your guess is as good as mine. They would say tariffs, but Randian’s also believe in free trade and part of free trade is low tariffs. 

In a Randian system, instead of government trying to do practically everything for everybody, short of running business’s, government does practically nothing for no one. Except when a someone becomes a victim of a predator.

So you have Democratic Socialists who say that the collective is more important than the individual. They say you can’t have people living for themselves and showing everybody how much smarter, more productive and cooler they are than Joe and Jane Average, as well as Tom and Mary Below Average, and John and Susan Moron. 

The Socialist alternative to a free society would a society is say that at the very least, Bob and Anne Rich, should take care of the Average’s, the Below Average’s and the Moron’s, because they can afford too. That if you encourage people to become independent of the state as far as trying to succeed financially, then that is exactly what will happen. So you need big government to step in and prevent that from happening so everyone is taken care of.

With the Randian’s saying: "Of course we want to be free on their own! And is someone falls down, people especially Bob and Anne Rich and other Rich’s, will step in and take care of the people who fall on hard times." 

Democratic socialism, is not the ultimate of collectivist economic systems. But only Marxism beats it when it comes to collectivism. Randism, is not the most individualist of economic systems, but anarchism beats it. 

But Democratic socialism and Randism, are at the opposite ends of the political spectrum. Democratic socialism, has at least one thing on Randism, it has been tried and still in use in the world with success. Randism, well there might be more Randians than Marxists right now, but a squirrel is bigger than a mouse, so what. I’m not a fan of either, but they’re both fascinating to follow.

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The Onion: Nathan Eckert- 'The Iraq War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region & Set Off a Global Shockwave of Anti-Americanism'

Source:The Onion- The Onion, debating the War in Iraq.

“George W. Bush may think that a war against Iraq is the solution to our problems, but the reality is, it will only serve to create far more.”

From The Onion

"Bill Maher rips all of those bad predictions from "think tanks" and tells them they can't call themselves think tanks if they are stupid. "To those of you who dreamed up the Iraq conflict, and predicted we'd be greeted as liberators,  and that we wouldn't need a lot of troops, and that Iraqi oil would pay for the war, the WMDs would be found, looting wasn't problematic, that the insurgency was ib its last throws, and that the whole bloody mess wouldn't turn into a civil war...

...YOU HAVE TO STOP MAKING PREDICTIONS!!!"

Richard Perle thought we could win Iraq with 40,000 troops.

Paul Wolfowitz predicted in 2003 that within a year the grateful people of Baghdad would name some grand square in their fine city after President Bush."

Source:Renegade Reposter- Bill Maher, on The War in Iraq.

From Renegade Reposter

Looking back at the Iraq War from over a twelve-year perspective it reminds me of someone who knows a guy down the street, who knows this man has beaten up a lot f people and at the least is suspected of murdering some people in his home. So lets say this guy Joe, decides to invade this bad guy’s home and beats let’s say Tom up and holds him hostage there at Tom’s own home until a more suitable homeowner can be installed to live there and bring justice to Tom.

And even though Tom’s friends come over to try to save Tom and Joe takes them out as well and in the process perhaps Tom’s wife and kids are seriously hurt if not killed in the process for being there and Joe thinking they are in the way of bringing justice to Tom. When innocent people are killed in war they are called innocent bystanders. And a cost of war.

What America did to Iraq in the spring of 2003 is what Joe did to Tom in my hypothetical. We invaded their territory and killed millions of Iraqi’s simply because they had an evil government led by an evil dictator. And the Bush Administration thought (if you want to call that thinking) the price of losing innocent Iraqi lives was worth eliminating an evil dictator.

Weapons of mass destruction? Well not in Iraq as it turns out, because the United Nations as well as the U.S. weapons inspectors did their jobs in the late 1990s and early 2000s and had Saddam’s weapons removed. Remember, the Iraqi Military didn’t even put up a fight against the American forces during the invasion. They all rolled over, not to get their bellies rubbed like my cat does everyday, but to surrender and not be killed.

What was all this for again? Well originally if you believe all the propaganda from the Bush Administration in 2002, it was about preventing Iraq from becoming a nuclear power and to get rid of their other WMD. Chemical weapons that Moammar Gadhafi still had and used against his own people in the Libyan Civil War of 2010-11.

But Saddam no longer had weapons like that to use against Americans or Iraqis. And the worst thing about this colossal disaster, (10 on the Richter scale when it comes to the world championship of mistakes) is that the weapons inspectors were telling the Bush Administration that Saddam not only had zero nuclear weapons, but they couldn’t find other WMD as well.

WMD, was an excuse for invading Tom’s home and preventing Tom from hurting and killing other innocent people in the future. But what the Bush’s really wanted to do was to eliminate Saddam and at all costs.

Seriously, who are the brainiacs who dreamed up the Iraq War? And how many weeks straight were they up drinking nothing but Red Bull and Starbucks Frappuccino’s developing this grand scheme of imposing liberal democracy on a society that still believed that women should always cover their faces in public and wear nothing but long black dresses and long black suits so no one can discover that they are women.

As well as a country that was actually scared of freedom like an inmate whose been in prison since he was 18 and now finally getting out in his sixties being told he now has to take care of himself. I mean you don’t have to be a foreign policy expert to see flaws in this grand strategy that has more holes in it than a Chevy Caprice that is parked in Watts or Compton, California.

Iraq, is even a unique country even for Arabia and the broader Middle East. Different Arab population, as well as a country that has other major ethnic groups in it and several different religious groups.

A country the size of California in the heart of the Middle East. That pre-Iraq War the only form of government they knew was life in prison. So what the Iraq War did was pardon all of these innocent prisoners who’ve all been in prison for 40-60 years and tell them: “you’re free to go and good luck to you. You’re certainly going to need it! Oh by the way, that free society we were talking about, doesn’t exist! Ha, ha! Fooled you! Yeah, no more military, or law enforcement to deal with, Just murderous thugs who kill people for the hell of it. Wish you best!”

Nathan Eckert, (assuming that is his real name. You never know with The Onion.) was damn right about the consequences of the Iraq War in the early days of it in 2003. But if you’re a Neoconservative, you only think in terms: “they are either with us, or against us! They love, or hate America.” So of course a Neoconservative wouldn’t listen to this, because in their peanut brain size mind they don’t believe in intelligence and evidence. Just neoconservative political fundamentalism.

Neoconservatives believe: “trust us, it will all work out in the end! Don’t trust the evidence, because in your heart you know we’re right!” That is not thinking, because thinking requires evidence.

The Iraq War was simply based on blind faith that since the supporters of this war believed they were on the right side of history and were doing the right thing, that is all they needed. And it has been multiple trillion-dollar mistake. And has cost Iraq the country we were supposed to save, millions of their own lives.

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The Onion: John Boehner- To Paul Ryan: ‘I Was Once Young And Beautiful Too’

Source:The Onion- Speaker of the House John Boehner (Republican, Ohio) escaping the Tea Party run nut house.

“WASHINGTON—Pulling the congressman aside Wednesday and sitting him down in his office, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) reportedly told his likely successor, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), that he had once been young and beautiful too. “There was a time when I had that youthful glow and that glimmer in my eye, just like you; but time passes, and alas, it takes its toll,” said Boehner as he gently brushed the back of his hand along Ryan’s cheek and recalled how he had, years earlier, possessed unspoiled good looks, an innocent charm and energy, and a popularity among his party much the same as that of his heir apparent. “You might not believe it looking at this old, withered shell sitting before you now, but back so many years ago in 2011, I was no different than you—a bright young thing that every Republican congressman wanted to be seen around Washington with. But that doesn’t last forever, my child. Once that pretty face fades and the magic melts away, they have no use for you in this business—none at all.” At press time, a single tear was rolling down Boehner’s cheek after the Speaker turned away in disgust from the wizened, timeworn face he glimpsed in a wall-mounted mirror.”

From The Onion 

“The political world woke up to a bit of a surprise: John Boehner will be resigning his speakership and seat in the House. Ben Mankiewicz (Turner Classic Movies), John Iadarola (Think Tank), and Elliot Hill (The Lip TV), hosts of the The Young Turks, break it down. Tell us what you think in the comment section below.

“Speaker John A. Boehner, an Ohio barkeeper’s son who rode a conservative wave to one of the highest positions in government, said Friday he would relinquish his gavel and resign from Congress, undone by the very Republicans who swept him into power.

Mr. Boehner, 65, made the stunning announcement in an emotional meeting with his fellow Republicans on Friday morning as lawmakers struggled to avert a government shutdown next week, a possibility made less likely by his decision.” 

Source:The Young Turks- Speaker of the House John Boehner (Republican, Ohio) escaping the Tea Party run nut house.

From The Young Turks 

“WASHINGTON — Speaker John A. Boehner, an Ohio barkeeper’s son who rode a conservative wave to one of the highest positions in government, said Friday he would relinquish his gavel and resign from Congress, undone by the very Republicans who swept him into power.

Mr. Boehner, 65, made the announcement in an emotional meeting with his fellow Republicans on Friday morning as lawmakers struggled to avert a government shutdown next week, a possibility made less likely by his decision.” 

Source:New York Times- Speaker of the House John Boehner (Republican, Ohio) escaping the Tea Party run nut house.

From the New York Times

Anyone worried about looking too cute and too young for their age, I got a healthier way to age than to take up tobacco and alcoholism: try leading a wolf pack of people in government that doesn’t believe in government. Which would be like trying to force some hippie vegetarian to get on a meat lovers diet: good luck with that with all the frustration will come with it.

Sure! New Speaker Paul Ryan at 45, is a young-looking, tall, handsome Midwestern, man who is happily married with kids and has a life outside of the swamp better known as Washington. And right now looks like a man who just won the White House in a landslide. But the German Nazis looked unbeatable until America went to Europe and the British and French got off their pacifist pussy-whipped asses and decided to: “Okay! We’ll defend our own country!” And the Nazis actually faced some real competition.

Once Speaker Ryan cuts his first deal with the Senate and perhaps even House Minority Nancy Pelosi, to avoid House Republican led government shutdowns, or with President Obama and agrees to fund the government without the President voluntarily resigning, or impeaching himself, the new young Speaker, will be accused of the worst sinful thing that you can on the Far-Right in America, liberalism!

The Speaker Ryan will be accused of working with the Democrats to destroy America. And inviting ISIS in to occupy America. Or completely opening up the Southern border to import millions of Mexicans to take all of our fast food jobs. Or whatever the week long pot high the Far-Right is on and whatever fantasy they’re going through at the time.

Sure! Being Speaker of the House of Representatives, might look like Wisconsin cheeseburgers and freedom fries right now. But wait until Speaker Ryan actually has to do his job and get bills passed that have to be passed for the Federal Government which he is now one of the top leaders of, has to get done for the government, to I don’t know, protect the country from terrorism. You know, little boring details like that. Which he’ll have to get Democratic support for both in the Senate and of course from President Obama. As well as Moderate Republicans both in the House and Senate. Then the new Speaker might wish he was at a Green Bay Packers game and eating a Wisconsin cheeseburger and never want to drink the Tea Party again. 

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The Onion: 'Week in Review'

Source:The Onion- Also in what's not in the news: the Republican Party endorsed President Barack H. Obama for reelection as President of the United States.

Source:The Daily Press 

"Straight and gay service members are looking forward to asking and telling, scientists believe the recent heat wave may have been caused by a massive star at the center of the Solar System, and Bristol Palin reveals that her mother has had 15 abortions. It's the week of August 8th, 2011." 

From The Onion

Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney announced today that he will clone himself again, to make himself look like a woman. Along with undergoing plastic surgery to make that happen, to better reconnect with female voters. But canceled those plans, after being told by Christian-Conservatives that they wouldn't vote for a woman for President. The ironic part of this, that a lot of those voters are women as well. 

In a press release from the Romney Campaign, they announced that already managing four clones, Conservative Mitt, Liberal Mitt, Moderate Mitt and Neoconservative Mitt, would be too much to handle. To go along with a Female Mitt.

Also in the news: Vice President Joe Biden  announced that Mitt Romney was more qualified to be President of the United States, then himself. But in the next sentenced announced that Mitt would make a worst President than George W. Bush. Apparently Vice President Biden forgot to take his medication. His wife Jill Biden announced that her husband is back home in bed now. And will only be allowed to leave the house, with tape wrapped around his mouth, to prevent him from speaking. 

That's your week in didn't happen. For more information on what's not going on in the world, I suggest you become a die hard viewers of Fox News or reader of The Onion to find out how the world doesn't work.

The Onion: Andrea Barret & Piper Cahill- 'Mitt Romney: To Travel Back in Time to Kill Liberal Versions of Himself'

Source:The Onion- Mitt Romney at a 2012 campaign rally.

Source:The Daily Press 

"Seeking to dispel accusations of flip-flopping, Romney unveiled plans to use a time machine to kill earlier versions of himself who believed in universal health care and gay rights." 

From The Onion

Imagine if Mitt Romney could travel back in time to change more liberal positions he use to have, that me as a Liberal respect. Like when he supported civil unions for same-sex couples just six years ago. Just one position that has pissed off the Christian Right when he was Governor of the Democratic State of Massachusetts. Or back in 1994 and I’m guessing even before that, when he was running for U.S. Senate against Senator Ted Kennedy. Being pro-choice on abortion, or back in 2005-06, signing the twin brother or sister of the Affordable Care Act. Better known as ObamaCare.

But telling the difference between ObamaCare” and RomneyCare, is like telling the difference between the Olsen twins, seeing them for the first time. Or better yet imagine if Mitt could clone himself, when he’s running in Massachusetts. He’s the Liberal Mitt, when he’s running for president in a Christian-Conservative GOP. He’s a more Conservative Mitt, but not far enough for the Far Right. That he scares off independent voters, which is where he is right now.

If Mitt could clone himself, he would be the perfect unbeatable politician: Liberal on social issues, conservative on economic policy. Keeps your taxes and spending down, somewhere in between depending on if he listens to himself, or his clone. On foreign policy, he would be exactly where independent voters are. The Christian-Right, would hate him because he’s not trying to tell Americans how to live their lives. Socialists would hate him because he’s not spending every dollar Uncle Sam takes in, or increasing taxes on everyone. But if this were 1988 or 1980, the Romney Campaign wouldn’t even have to consider creating a time machine, or cloning Mitt. Because this is where the Republican Party use to be politically.

The GOP, so much liberal or classically conservative on social issues, pre-Christian-Right, but took the attitude that government shouldn’t be telling Americans how to live their lives. Which is actually conservative politics as well. Could the time machine be Mitt Romney’s secret weapon to winning the presidential election? What happens after he’s nominated by the GOP and sees independent voters that liked his liberal positions on social Issues? Wait! It’s a time machine, so he would be able to go back in time and delete his ass-kissing of Christian-Right Voters in the Republican primaries. A time machine would be a hell of a secret weapon, if only it existed. The problem is Mitt is stuck with whoever he is. At times its hard to tell with his flip-flopping. I’m not sure even he knows who he is at this point.